People Pleasing, more like Parent Pleasing

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve spent years, if not decades, trying to figure out how to get what you want while making sure your parents aren’t on your case and are happy to boot. Maybe you even thought “if I just do what they want long enough, they’ll eventually let me go, afterall I’m an adult.” Or maybe you even convinced yourself that “I’ll try to take the combination route, do what I want and what they want.” Now while you were trying to get the best of both worlds, you inevitably end up doing something that works more for your parents than it does for you. 

And every single time, you don’t feel good. 

Sure, it eased the pressure your parents were putting on you, the weight is off - from them. But despite this, you have a gnawing sinking feeling? 

You can’t help but wonder, why the hell do I feel like this? 

Why am I so unhappy if they’re happy now?

It’s because you’re not. That decision wasn’t for you. It was for them. You got out from under the heat lamp of parental disapproval and landed yourself into self-shame world. Now you’re sitting in the shame of not doing anything like you wanted to do and you’re railing on yourself.

In order to survive and feel a semblance of calm and safety in your home, you’ve learned to make the people who had control of your world happy. You’ve had to put your desires aside because trying to get what you want led to chaos, and was maybe, ultimately, futile. 

Does this sound about right? 

But here’s the truth, it doesn’t have to stay this way. Things can change if you want them to. 

First, railing on yourself is undeserved. Consider: where did you learn this negative talk? Who’s voice do you hear when you say/think crappy things about yourself. Nuh uh, we don’t need to be doing that. It’s a hard habit to break, but it’s key. 

And instead, let’s try a little compassion. If everyone around you receives your kindness and understanding, it’s only fair you do too. Now you might be thinking. “well, I don’t really deserve it” or “I didn’t really do anything to earn it”. Lemme stop you right there. YOU. DO. NOT. NEED. TO. EARN. KINDNESS. OR. LOVE. 

Sometimes desi-parenting can turn into learning you have to earn everything that is yours, that nothing is free. But unconditional love, care, and community are- or at least they should be. So let’s start there.

Start loving on yourself. Show yourself compassion and grace.

But how?  Brainstorm some of the ways friends, your partner, or the fantasies you have about how you want to be taken care of would show up. Focus on the small things- give yourself compliments, buy yourself sweet nothings as an intentional treat, allow yourself to bask in the things you’ve accomplished/what you’re proud of. 

Chances are, every one of these steps will be hella uncomfortable, but most new things are. Decades of self-cruelty won’t die out overnight; it needs encouragement. But trust that you got this. Slowly, you’ll start seeing the benefits; trust me.