The Elephant in South Asian Homes: Narcissism
How Narcissism in South Asian Households Affects Self-Worth & Relationships
Picture this: You’re a kid trying to get your parent’s attention. You want to show them your new drawing and your latest accomplishments at school. You’re excited to share something you’re proud of and can’t wait to see their eyes light up.
But then…
They dismiss it. They ignore it. They say, “Is that all you did? You should be doing more.” They bring their experience & accomplishments into the picture, telling you how they could’ve done better. They send you the message that you’re not good enough. You’re crushed.
Now picture this: You’ve just had a rough day and you’re looking for some comfort. You go to your parents and share how you felt left out at school when your friends ignored you. You’re looking for a shoulder to cry on.
But instead, they say, “Who cares? That doesn’t matter. I was left out too, no one cared about that. You’re always crying about something. Now, go get me my newspaper.” They ignore you and go back to their own world. You walk away, shoulders slumped, trying not to cry.
These stories are all too familiar, especially in South Asian households. When clients come in, they rarely say, “I just want my parents to love me.” Instead, a common expressions are, “How can I make my parents happy? I want to be a good son/daughter. I just want them to be proud.” You’re trying to figure out how to make your parents see how hard you’re trying, hoping to get even the slightest acknowledgment.
What’s Really Going On Here? Narcissism in South Asian Households
The issue isn’t that you’re not good enough or that you need to try harder. There’s something deeper at play here, something that’s unfortunately common in many brown households—narcissism. Now, before you close this tab, hear me out. I’m not here to diagnose everyone, but I want to shed light on a pattern that can be toxic for your mental well-being.
Narcissism in this context doesn’t mean everyone is a narcissist (Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects about 6.2% of people, according to research source). But many behaviors normalized in South Asian families mimic narcissistic tendencies. These behaviors may be disguised as “for your betterment,” but they can hurt in ways you may not realize.
How Narcissistic Behavior Plays Out in South Asian Households:
The perfectionism trap: Constant criticism about grades, intelligence, and achievements can create high-achieving individuals who feel unworthy and overwhelmed by fear of failure. You work endlessly, trying to earn approval from parents or bosses.
Unrealistic standards for women: Criticism about how a girl dresses or speaks can lead to adult women feeling unworthy of love and respect in relationships, often prioritizing external approval over their own experiences.
Controlling Outcomes: Protecting you from what’s seen as the “shameful” influence of Western society means restricting access to money, jobs, or opportunities that don’t align with traditional values. Parents may limit your social activities if they don’t have clear academic or career benefits, using money to keep you under control. As an adult, this can lead to decisions driven by financial insecurity rather than personal fulfillment, leaving you torn between cultural expectations and what feels right.
The overcompensating child: Children are taught to prioritize their parents’ happiness and needs first. This can result in adults struggling with independence, confidence, and decision-making in life’s choices: career, partnership, family building, and pursuit of happiness. Instead, seeking validation and recognition of your sacrifices in hopes they show you their joy and pride for prioritizing parents and family (the collective).
These patterns create self-doubt, perfectionism, fear and anxiety, and the constant feeling that you’re never good enough, no matter how much you achieve. You might feel like you’re endlessly chasing validation but never get the satisfaction you crave.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Behavior: What to Watch Out For
Recognizing these behaviors can be the first step in understanding how they affect your emotional well-being. Here are some signs to look out for, though keep in mind that not all of these behaviors indicate narcissism on their own, but when they happen repeatedly, they might be a sign:
Reaching out only when they need something from you (help, money, favors)
Putting you down when you try to help because it doesn’t “meet their standards”
Dismissing your concerns or feelings
Labeling your feelings as “too much” or “excessive”
Withholding attention or affection until you comply with their desires
Expecting you to take care of their emotions (listening to them, comforting them, making things better—even as a child)
Setting impossible expectations for you and then expecting you to fail
Limiting who you can spend time with (friends, family)
While this list isn’t exhaustive, it’s here to help you reflect on the behavior patterns in your own family. South Asian households aren’t the only ones that face these challenges, but these patterns are too common to ignore.
Validating Your Experiences
If reading this makes you feel like your experiences are being validated but feel like uncomfortable truths, I hear you. We often want to believe our families are well-meaning, see the best in them, and turn away from ideas that paint a not-so-pretty picture. These behaviors don’t necessarily make them bad people, you get to decide how you feel & act. Narcissistic traits also don’t define the entirety of your relationship with your family; all that’s important here is looking at these patterns as real, and your feelings are your reality.
So, the next time you feel like whatever you say or do never seems enough, take a step back. Think about whether you’ve experienced any of these behaviors from your parents. The anxiety you feel while making decisions, the struggle to articulate what you want, the crippling fear of failure—it’s not just in your head.
The seed of self-doubt might have been planted by an adult who minimized your feelings and prioritized their own needs in interactions, over and over again. But remember: your desires, emotions, and need for validation are just as important. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve to live authentically.
If this resonates with you, stay tuned for my next post, where I’ll dive into how to prioritize your own needs and take steps toward breaking free from these harmful patterns.
