Good Girl No More. (Living for you When You’re Brown)
With the holidays simmering around the corner and exposure to family time shoots up, I wanted to offer some thoughts on how to manage the need to want to be the ‘good girl’ who tries to make everyone happy besides herself.
Patriarchal society has created and maintained the narrative for girls to be ‘good’ so they turn into “good women.” But what they really mean by being a good woman is that you shouldn’t have an opinion, don’t get too intelligent, and certainly don’t think too highly of yourself. Think, compliant, obedient, docile.
But the path they charted for you to be a good woman hits a snag when they encourage you to be well-rounded—educated, successful, intelligent, hard-working, and self-sufficient. All of these exceptional skills and qualities you possess pose a problem for them because it becomes harder to control a woman who has manifested into an independent person.
As the intelligent woman you are, you’ve achieved many things, and you continue on your path. But the sensation of wanting to be a ‘good girl’ creeps in, often when facing our family. If you pay attention to it, you’ll notice that while you’re busy trying to be this ‘good girl’ that makes your family proud and happy, you’re waiting for love, acceptance, and approval.
Spoiler alert: if they haven’t expressed their pride and love in a way you’ve wanted, they aren’t likely to do it if nothing changes. (Can you honestly say you haven’t tried to do what they wanted? Did it make them happy?) When love and acceptance are conditional, the goalpost will constantly move.
Does the race to Good Girl status finish when you get the degree? Do you get the “right job”? Do you find the “right” man to marry? (Maybe even one they chose for you). You have children because that’s the path. How do you raise them? Do you make the choices, or does someone else?
When does it end? When can you stop running?
It’s okay that you want to hear things like, ‘I’m proud of you. I love you. You are wonderful. I accept you, I see you.” But, decide if being a good woman/daughter/girl is worth the freedom of your choices. You can stop the neverending loop of living for others, waiting for their love and approval. You can start walking towards your choices, right now, today.
So, how do you stop the cycle?
Pay attention to the times you find that you’re seeking love or approval. Notice after you’ve interacted with your elders and come back feeling icky about what you said or did because you don’t want to be like that. A great signal of what the pattern is.
Show up for yourself. Pour into yourself the love and affection you crave. Fill your cup with energy from friendships and romantic relationships and tending to your needs. It doesn’t replace it, but filling up your cup stops you from going to an empty well.
Develop a coping strategy to deal with the comments that don’t feel good.
Excuse yourself from an interaction to cool off.
Turn the conversation around into something about them- let them talk about their experience. Be curious so they get invested in their story.
Allow yourself to feel some discomfort around, not just following the pattern. It will be challenging. You will be ok. Hearing disrespectful things does not need to be tolerated. Their discomfort around your choice is temporary-they will survive the disappointment.
And if they are threatening their health or life, it further emphasizes the manipulation. Stay strong
Have a self-care plan for after you stand your ground. Be gentle and compassionate. Don’t give up and do it again and again. You are creating change for the pattern to be broken. It takes time to break an old pattern. So keep on and stay kind to yourself. These are big changes you’re making.
You can do this, I believe in you. Be patient, and keep going.
