How do I Talk to My Parents about my non-desi partner?

Oof, that’s a scary thought, right? Talking to your immigrant parents about the person you’re dating, the person you’ve fallen in love with, the person you’ve envisioned marrying/having a future with. You might be thinking, ‘No thanks!’ But here we are anyway.

If you’re looking for help on this, chances are you fell into this category, I’m not going to introduce my parents to anyone I’m dating until I know this is serious. Does that sound about right? 

You’ve been dreading this day because you didn’t want to feel the wrath of your parents, who have made you believe you’re basically not supposed to date anyone until you’re married. Go figure! It’s not like you listened, as is your right. Still, the expectation that you should be ready to marry someone around 24-28, with no dating experience, is antiquated and dismissive of your needs or preferences for partnership. You’d think they’d see that this makes no sense, but nonetheless, you’ve kept your dating and relationship history a secret. It’s been a while now; you’re serious about this person and can’t keep avoiding it. 

Maybe your partner also doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal. Maybe you’ve even met their family, and your partner is sitting there feeling hurt that you won’t share them with your family, but you feel scared to tell your parents. It's almost like you’re hiding them. It’s not that you’re ashamed of your partner. Reassuring them has only gotten you this far, but you know it’s inevitable, and while you’ve tried to drag your feet and avoid this as long as possible, you know it’s time even though you’re terrified. 

Look, there is quite literally never going to be a “right time” to tell them. It’s always gonna be scary. It’s scary because you don’t want to disappoint them. It might be terrifying because you’ve heard them openly be racist, homophobic, and/or exclusionary. While you may love your family, they’ve never understood your choices and have made their disappointment with you apparent. This feels like another one of those moments, and it’s ok you’re nervous. But… 

Decide now if your desires or avoiding your family’s grief is most important. 

Now, I won’t get into whether this person is good for you or not or if they’re the right fit for you. Hopefully, if you’re debating whether or not to tell your parents, you already have a good feeling about this person. You feel comfortable and safe with your partner who has met your friends. People are generally supportive of you. I’m going to assume all of this. If not, then meet me at a different post. 

Now, a really important question to move forward. 

You’ve got to ask yourself, “If they [my parents] don’t approve of this relationship or don’t support my decision, will this change my mind about being with insert partner’s name?”

If the answer is “No” or “I’m not sure, I need to know more about what you’re gonna say,” proceed. 

Confidence in how you feel about [partner’s name] & your relationship will be part of where you’ll get your fuel from. And if you’re not totally sure, let’s keep going and see where you land.

After all, you’ve waited all this time to share someone important and you wouldn’t be doing that if it didn’t have high value to you.

So can you just tell me how to do it already?

1. Decide what you’re going to say before you say it. 

Yes, rehearse it. It’s okay if it feels like an awkward prepared speech because it is. The best way to share your message and you want to share a specific message. 

1. Things you may want to include in your speech:

1. Express your love, appreciation, and/or respect for them. 

2. Tell them the basic details of your partner: name, age, what they do for work, what their family structure is. 

3. What are your current plans for the two of you as a couple? You decide how much detail they get access to. 

1. Make a plan to have the conversation with them sans your partner. Decide when, where, and who will be there. Visualize the whole thing. 

1. The first time you mention your partner can’t be the first time they meet them. While this person is important to you if your goal is to create a smooth introduction, let’s get them acclimated so you can adapt to being the bridge between them, too.

1. Be Honest. You don’t have to tell them all the details but be as honest as you are comfortable sharing with them. This IS the person you are introducing them to as your future important family member. 

1. Plan on a post-disclosure self-care process. Make sure you do something kind for yourself. You just took a big scary thing, and you did it. Hopefully, it went relatively painless, and even if it didn’t, you deserve to be kind and gentle to yourself. 

1. Maintain firmness in your decision. You don't need to change your mind if they voice their opinions or concerns, contest them, are rude, or disrespectful. While the news may feel shocking and disruptive to them, they will survive this news despite any reservations or dramatic opinions they may express.

1. Execute the plan. Finally, it’s time to tell them. YES, it may feel like one of those terrifying moments in life, but you’ll make it, I promise. You deserve to be happy. You found someone you love and feel safe with it; remember, that’s why you did this. 

I wish you the best of luck. Remember, you can do this. Their [your family] disappointment or frustrations with your decisions cannot trump your desired life. 

Let me know how it goes! 🤞🏽